Monday, March 20, 2006

Flawed Memory

I have been dealing with heart issues in the last four weeks. By heart issues I mean emotions.

I want to share this heart issue with my readers in hopes it will be helpful as you work with your daily issues.

Most times things we think about in our hearts are the things that have a major impact in our daily lives. They impact not only of ourselves but the ones we love the most too. Family and friends see and live with the results of our heart issues. We are even led to believe that these topics are not acceptable to cultivating friendships ---so many of us hold them in to ourselves and smile through our tears, don't we?

I wanted to share a story from my childhood today.

We traveled in a snowstorm to Anchorage and the Alaska Freedom Band practice yesterday and we saw many cars in the ditches. One car was overturned and sitting on it's roof, another on it's side. We are still getting snow as I type. So beautiful but treacherous too. The people and their cars will suffer the impacts of those accidents, they never will be the same as before the accidents happened.

Several weeks ago we attended two teaching sessions. First one was the Spiritual Warfare Gathering and then a week long seminar put on by Wellspring Ministries which was the I Found Freedom seminar.

Both were great teaching sessions. I have learned so much, mostly from the Wellspring Ministries and the teachings on forgiveness and repentance. Such great tools for dealing with "baggage" from the past. Baggage = impacts of sin in our lives. Whereever that sin came from, our own or a sin that someone else commited that forever clouds, tints, and changes our viewpoints of ourselves or of others.

Some of my baggage left me with feelings of being unaccepted by from my oldest brother, Don. One morning I sat thinking about "where did this ugly feeling come from?" I closed my eyes and prayer that God would reveal to me what I should deal with concerning this troublesome thought/feeling.

As I prayed I went clear back to the time I was climbing a broken down wall of my Dad's Shugak General Store building. I was five or six years old. As my leg slid down in between those boards, two nails cut and gouged my leg open. I screamed in pain then fell away from the wall I was desperately clinging to. It felt like my bone was going to break as all my weight hung on my calf.

I frantically turned my head towards the beach and saw Don standing there. In my memory he turned, looked at me then turned away. I believe that from that point the spiritual warfare has raged in my heart and mind. That memory was twisted and then used as fuel to feed the belief that I was not important to him and that Don did not care if I was ever hurt.

Yesterday I shared this with Don as I told him how I had prayed over this lifelong hurt. He listened to me then said, "Connie, I am the one that pulled you out of those boards."

I was so STUNNED and I still am! To know that I have lived with this flawed memory all my life has opened my spiritual eyes to the craftiness of my enemy, The Evil One, the Destroyer, the Liar, Satan, the Enemy of God!

The unseen spiritual war (whether you believe that it exists or not does not change the truth) is going on everyday. The war over my own and all peoples eternity. The war that strives to prevent and to break relationships with God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. The war that breaks up family relationships.

In this war, through the years the truth of my past was horribly twisted! My mind was blinded to the truth of the situation and I allowed a lie to twist and confuse my heart....everyday for years!!!!!

I am still reeling from this truth this morning.

When we are overcome by feelings of being unloved, unwanted, like we don't matter....we must ask ourselves, where is this feeling, this idea, this knowledge coming from ----in order to protect ourselves, our families, our relationships from this ugly enemy!

Our enemy, he accuses us day and night, day and night, day and night without getting tired of doing it! We get tired of fighting the fight so much faster! We get tired and then we believe lies. When we believe him he grabs that foothold in our thoughts and begins to wreak havoc, to conquer and divide our families, our friendship.... our husband and wife relationships!

He uses whatever we give him permission to use. All those years I gave him permission to lie about my brother saying that my brother hated me and did not care to have me in his life. I believed those lies and I became quiet. NOW....I am an old woman! I have wasted a life of believing that twisted story from my enemy.

All this to share what I hope will make you think differently about the troubles in your life then realize that when those thoughts are destroying your friendships and families ---- realize where they come from. They come from The Accuser, He wants to destroy your life. Kneel down and pray to God, thank Him for Jesus Christ making the Way for us to lead peaceful, joyful lives.

Forgiveness. Forgiveness to all ---not because they deserve it or even because they have asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness because the Lord, the One that loves us, He said to forgive.... 70 x 7... for the same offense! Not because we are such martyrs and good Christians and must do what is right, but because when we forgive, our enemy loses his hold over our thoughts and our hearts. When we forgive, the Lord comes and heals us and replaces hurts, bitterness, anger, jealousy, ________________, you fill the blank....

He replaces my hurts with peace and joy....longsuffering, gentleness.. kindness... even a loving brother.

"But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them; let those also who love Your name be joyful in You. For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield." Psalms 5:11,12


akeskileut said...

Wow Sis this was so neat. (((HUGS))) Gives me something to think about in a positive way. Love you Sis!

Kerri said...

I'm glad you finally shared that with Don and you realize the truth now.
I thank God every day for you and your sister. I thank Him for you, because if we hadn't started chatting while playing games, I wouldn't have began chatting with your sister. I think the first time I chatted with her it was to ask where you were! :o) Now that you have a blog, your words touch me every time I read them in one way or another. It's true that I chat with your sister more, but you both hold a very special place in my heart and for that I will be eternally grateful!